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Our Birthing Story

I have to be honest, I probably sat at my new computer for a full ten minutes, gazing off into space thinking about this post. Part because this post is not my typical "outfit of the day", part because I am diving into a new pool that I have never before, and part because actually typing out an experience can bring back so many emotions and in all honesty I wasn't sure if I was prepared for that. I have been so far removed from my fashion blog ever since I gave birth and because of that I was super nervous to dive back in. My blog is such a big piece of who I am, yet I have been so afraid to start blogging again! Will it ever be what I want it to be? Will I have the time with my new baby, my job, wanting time with Bruce, and just wanting time for me? Our new normal is still an adjustment, but I know that when things are important to you, they always end up working out in some way.

When people say "A baby changes everything" it's no joke. That phrase should be taken quite literally because a baby changes EVERYTHING. I used to hear this and automatically think it meant something negative-  but now that I am on the other side, it actually means something overwhelmingly positive. I have felt and learned about love, life, family, and faith more than ever. I have learned about myself, my husband, I have an understanding for what really matters, and most of all I have gained perspective....  A LOT of perspective.

During my pregnancy I remember thinking "why don't women tell each other these things!" I swear I felt that way constantly when I was pregnant! I would have an experience like (disclaimer this is raw truth!) having crazy gas, or constantly peeing my pants at work (like seriously peed my pants every. single. day.), or not sleeping because I was just so uncomfortable or loving that people asked about the pregnancy but commenting constantly on how big my belly looked or asking when I was due, the baby's name, who the pedicatrican is, if I planned on breastfeeding, how long I planned on taking off of work, would I be staying home after that or going back..... LOL this is no joke people ask and ask and assssssk! Are all you mommas out there hearing me?!

Aside from all of this normal pregnancy stuff, I really felt like I had the best pregnancy. Overall I felt great both physically and mentally and I felt as though child birth would be pretty straight forward.

I went into labor the night of the super moon. I swear that moon got things going! (but seriously... it was too weird!) I labored all night and then in the morning Bruce starting timing my contractions and we knew it was time to go in soon. Before heading to the hospital I had to shower. I was not about to have hairy legs while giving birth! Plus a shower is calming and helped with my nerves and anxiety. After my shower we got dressed, grabbed our over night bags (which we had packed for weeks) and drove off. The drive there was pretty out of body. I remember both of us looking at one another and saying "omg this is really happening ... we are going to have our baby today." When you first get there they send you to triage to make sure you are actually in labor (and I remember thinking, hell if this is not labor I don't want to feel what labor is!) The nurse did an exam to see if I was dilated and although I was having contractions I wasn't dilated yet. She told me that I would probably bleed from the exam but that it would eventually stop. Soon off I started to dilate and they sent me back to labor and delivery, but the bleeding didn't stop. I knew something was not normal but tried not to panic and tried to focus on my baby boy.

Once in labor and delivery the nurses kept asking me to change positions because baby boy's heart rate was lowering by the minute. Again I tried not to panic but knew something was not right. I had been laboring for hours -the only thing that got me through was Bruce coaching me through every contraction and having a focal point in my mind to concentrate on. For me it was a paddle going into the water.... every stroke I pictured was a breath. After hours of waiting and laboring, the  nurses  came in and told me I could not have an epidural because my platlettes were too low. I literally did not know that this was even a thing! That is when I started to panic. The pain was so intense and I was mentally and physically spent. I prayed and prayed to God to get me through and that is when the doc came in and told me we had to do an emergency c-section. "Wait what?" Is exactly what I was thinking. I was just concerned about not getting an epidural and now I'm having an emergency c-section? Apparently my placenta had separated too soon and I was  bleeding out.(hence all the blood) Due to this baby boy's heart rate was decreasing, and on top of that the cord was wrapped around his neck twice. We didn't even have a second to process the information. The nurses literally tossed scrubs to Bruce and they were wheeling me out of the room. They wouldn't let Bruce in until after they prepped me and I just remember screaming that I wanted him. They assured me he would be allowed in the room during surgery but I was so scared. An emergency c-section happens so fast. I remember them transferring my naked body onto what seemed like a huge silver tray. There were tons of nurses around and all I could really see were the bright lights above my head. I was shaking uncontrollably from the meds and shock so Bruce had one hand and the anesthesiologist had the other. In minutes our baby boy was out.  I remember being soooo out of it ,but hearing his cry and just thanking God that he was alive and okay. They handed baby boy to Bruce and he brought him over so I could see. I remember looking over at our sweet baby boy and just thinking he was so beautiful, but it wasnt until in recovery that I could do skin to skin with our baby boy, love on him, and start comprehending what had just happened.

Having a c-section is no joke. When people say you are down for six weeks that is no exaggeration. I am just now starting to feel like myself, but honestly I am still swollen above my incision. When I see other bloggers already posting outfits a week or two after a c-section I have to wonder how they are doing it because I was in so much pain. I really look forward to continue and share my experience along the way and hope to be a sounding board for soon to be mamas out there. It is so important to have a plan, but know it could change. It is also so important to lean on your spouse, your family, and your friends because you absolutely need the help. I don't know what I would do without all of them.

I am so thankful and love being a mamma. The labor experience was so scary, the healing has been a process, I have a huge scar, but none of it even matters. Yes I am human and have my moments feeling frustrated about my scar, or being on no sleep but thats part of the gig. None of those feelings could ever overshadow the love I have for this baby-he is the biggest blessing God has ever given me and Bruce.

This photo I just look exhausted.  I can't believe how gray I look from losing so much blood. 

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